Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I Feel Like a Failure
Part of this reprogramming is to replace food in all those situations. That's the hard part. Exercising is my other problem. As soon as I get home, I want to kick off my shoes and put on my pajamas. I just want to relax. I have no desire to go for a walk, get on the treadmill, or do anything that might cause me to break out into a sweat. I don't do anything well by myself. I have the same problem as some of the kids at school: I am not motivated.
Sure I want to lose this weight. It's awesome that I've lost what I have. I love that I have more clothes in the closet that fit! But then, the weight loss, just kinda stops. I got to 298 and was soooooo excited it was a red-letter day. Then I get back on the scales and it says 302. I don't want to admit it to anyone. But here I am now, I've gained back 4 pounds. I feel disgusted with myself. But not so disgusted that it keep me from eating at Gus's Fried Chicken tonight. I had 4 slices of fried green tomatoes, two chicken legs, a thigh, and a small order of baked beans. Good grief! Now I sit here with a cupcake in a little Chinese box just waiting for me to eat it. Why? Because I felt so guilty after dinner, that a cupcake just seemed like the thing to do. I'm not stupid, I've always been rather confident in my intellectual abilities, but when it comes to food decisions... I'm an idiot. I'm like the little kid who keeps touching the stove after they've already burnt their finger. I know that food makes me fatter!
We have invested too much money in this surgery for me to continue to make bad decisions, period, statement, declarative sentence! (Anybody remember Shurley English?)
I am not so proud that I can't admit I need support. Any tips you might have, prayers, encouragement, all things are appreciated. What I don't handle well is anything in a negative tone. I need to be lifted up, not torn down. If you have my cell phone, feel free to text me anytime. You can ask me what I'm eating, if I'm staying on track, ask me to go for a walk, or just tell me that you love me. I need you more than you know.
This blog has been an amazing journey for me. It started out as a way for me to keep track of my trip through Lap Band surgery and has become a journal of my life. It's cathartic. It's also humbling to know that not just my 7 followers are reading it. This journey isn't going to be easy or short. It's going to be difficult and last a lifetime.
Love to you all!