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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I Feel Like a Failure

I have never been forced to eat anything. I do it of my own free will. I am addicted to food. I truly believe that it is an addiction. The reason I got the lap band was because I realize that I can not do this on my own. If Blaine suggests we go out to eat, I say sure. If I would say NO, let's eat at home. He would be fine with that. I am the problem. I can't blame Blaine for something I've been dealing with my entire life. I love food like an alcoholic loves liquor. I crave it. If I'm not sleeping well, I think I need something to eat to help me sleep. If I don't feel well, I think some food item will cure my ills. If I'm sad, chocolate is the answer.

Part of this reprogramming is to replace food in all those situations. That's the hard part. Exercising is my other problem. As soon as I get home, I want to kick off my shoes and put on my pajamas. I just want to relax. I have no desire to go for a walk, get on the treadmill, or do anything that might cause me to break out into a sweat.  I don't do anything well by myself. I have the same problem as some of the kids at school: I am not motivated.

Sure I want to lose this weight. It's awesome that I've lost what I have. I love that I have more clothes in the closet that fit! But then, the weight loss, just kinda stops. I got to 298 and was soooooo excited it was a red-letter day. Then I get back on the scales and it says 302. I don't want to admit it to anyone. But here I am now, I've gained back 4 pounds. I feel disgusted with myself. But not so disgusted that it keep me from eating at Gus's Fried Chicken tonight. I had 4 slices of fried green tomatoes, two chicken legs, a thigh, and a small order of baked beans. Good grief! Now I sit here with a cupcake in a little Chinese box just waiting for me to eat it. Why? Because I felt so guilty after dinner, that a cupcake just seemed like the thing to do. I'm not stupid, I've always been rather confident in my intellectual abilities, but when it comes to food decisions... I'm an idiot. I'm like the little kid who keeps touching the stove after they've already burnt their finger. I know that food makes me fatter!

We have invested too much money in this surgery for me to continue to make bad decisions, period, statement, declarative sentence! (Anybody remember Shurley English?)

I am not so proud that I can't admit I need support. Any tips you might have, prayers, encouragement, all things are appreciated. What I don't handle well is anything in a negative tone. I need to be lifted up, not torn down. If you have my cell phone, feel free to text me anytime. You can ask me what I'm eating, if I'm staying on track, ask me to go for a walk, or just tell me that you love me. I need you more than you know.

This blog has been an amazing journey for me. It started out as a way for me to keep track of my trip through Lap Band surgery and has become a journal of my life. It's cathartic. It's also humbling to know that not just my 7 followers are reading it. This journey isn't going to be easy or short. It's going to be difficult and last a lifetime.

Love to you all!

~Robin

5 comments:

  1. Hang in there! The first step is admitting that you are addicted to food. When the weather gets warmer to where I can stroll Abby without her getting congested from the crazy weather I will be more than willing to stroll around with you! Keep your portions like they are supposed to be and try to stay on track with healthy food. Ive got to get myself back into gear also. When I was pregnant, I basically gave into my cravings but I have no excuse now so that is my reality check :) I am ready to get the rest of my baby weight off and keep on going down. You can do this and if you need me, message me. I need to email you my phone number in case you need a listening ear or some advise. I am willing to help!!

    Nancy

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  2. Robin, hang in there. The 4lbs might just be the motivation to keep you working. It isn't easy but you can do it. I have faith in you and you are an inspiration to us (me) that hasn't done anything yet towards losing the massive extra lbs that needs to be gone. I love you and pray for your success with this daily!

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  3. I want you to know I often read you blog to see how you are doing. I've never though you are failing in any way. Personal success measuring sticks are different for all of us. Make sure you are using your own, not someone elses, or will be dissapointed. You have shown great strength of charecter to openly share your story. That is a beautiful quality no matter how many lbs. you may be. I am certain there are other "secret" readers that are encouraged by writings. I've had my own battles with food and I can relate to your feelings. Like you, I think I'm smart enough to reason my way into losing weight. I can share two things that have helped me.... 1. Write down everything you eat. If I have chips (my nemisis) it gets down! Now I have a cool app that makes it easy! 2. Choose an event to do and sign up!! 3 yrs. Ago a friend invited me to walk a 5k. I NEVER was interest in that active stuff, but it changed my attitude. I walked and jogged in the last bit. People applauded. I was worried I would be last, but it didn't matter... I was ahead of everyone on the sideline. Since then I've partcipated in 6 5ks and worked on getting faster. It helps to plan for an event because you become motivated to do well, and want to train. I have lots of info if your interested. Start small.. walk an event..see what you think! - Kimberly Shawn (Brown)

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  4. Robin, its so so hard, i feel exactly the way you wrote it, i am pulling for you though, you can do this girl, dont let this little setback get to you, just do better tomorrow...Im praying for you too!!

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  5. I know how you feel. Every week I sit and watch Biggest Loser and cry at all the life changing stories. I say, I really need to lose some weight. I should start exercising and eating better. Then the next day I continue with eating unhealthy food and not excersising. Then the following Tuesday I sit and cry and say the same things, yet never change. It seems to be a never ending cycle.
    Kay H.

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